021 - Brain is a leaking sponge, heart is a casket…

Stomach is a black hole…

Soul is a…bottomless pit?

Poetry is hard. You know what’s also hard? Life.

My grandma died a few days ago. She had pancreatic cancer. She was diagnosed and began treatments not long before my grandpa died from dementia. I’ve had to withdraw from classes yet again. I’m not sure I’ll even be able to finish my degree. Honestly, I still doubt that the fascists in power will able to liquidate entire governmental departments, but I’m still apprehensive.

It’s hard to have hope in a society so determined to step on your face. I might as well be putting every job application into a fire for all the good it’s doing. Online classes expect way too much human interaction. Honestly, I expected to kill myself a long time ago. Living till 20 years old only to find out everything has been a lie is one hell of a wake-up moment. Wait, you mean, there isn’t actually an interventionist god in charge of my life and that I’m actually expected to be an adult now?

I imagine how much potential I could have had the first time I went to college if I hadn’t been so goddamn brainwashed. Being religious is one thing, but my indoctrination was actively impeding my ability to understand my classes. I was literally a Bible literalist who believed in 6000-year-old Earth Creationism and I was plunged straight down into a college biology course. I used to listen to Kent motherfucking Hovind, for God’s sake! What hope did I have to get a science degree?!

As someone who survived a Christian school, it is straight-up nightmarish to be seeing the Supreme Court approve of Bible-integrated lessons in public schools. I don’t care if it’s optional. There are actually studies that suggest brain damage can make one more susceptible to becoming indoctrinated. Now, notice that I said that the brain damage leads to more susceptiblity, not the other way round. They studied Vietnam veterans’ brains who sustained head injuries during the war and found that 119 of those veterans who had brain lesions had religious fundamentalist mindsets versus 30 who didn’t.

This is going to sound stupid, but could baby boomers’ abusive upbringings have caused them enough brain damage to be more susceptible to the kookier fundamentalist and conspiracy beliefs? Because my dad constantly says that his dad beat him and he has godawful memory loss and silly-ass beliefs. He honestly believes that mythical creatures may exist because demons and angels supposedly fucked in the pre-existence and gave birth to unicorns and werewolves. Like…what? Makes me wonder if he was fed out of 100% lead bottles.

Life goes on. Painfully, awfully, and stubbornly, but it goes on. Signing off.

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020 - Earache