016 - This is like waiting for a potentially life-threatening diagnosis…

I feel like I can hardly breathe. I felt like this before back in 2016, though I was much more optimistic. After all, democracy worked the previous two times, why wouldn’t I feel confident?

It shouldn’t be this close. How the hell is half our country total fucking morons? I feel like my life’s in danger no matter which way it goes. Far-right groups are planning for civil war regardless of who wins. I will lose all hope in this country if they let a 34-times-indicted felon win. I might lose all hope in living. I feel so unsafe.

I don’t want to live in historical times. I’m already chronically depressed. How much more shit on you going to shovel on me? They all but promised violence and refusal to certify results if Harris wins. And they don’t care. They don’t care about the women dying because of their anti-choice laws. These inhumane abortion bans are by design. The cruelty is the point. They want us all to suffer for the unforgivable crime of being women who want choices.

I hope my hopelessness is proven wrong. I hope democracy is saved. I’m so afraid. How can people aspire to such evil? All in the face of bigotry and ignorance? Trump supporters won’t be spared. They might be saved for last, but they will ultimately be ground up and fed to the fascist machine. No one is free under a fascist regime, not even the fascists. They are constantly under threat of destruction by corruption, power dynamics, and rebellion. It’ll be WW2 but we’re the Americans. Who is going to be our savior, our liberator of the camps?

I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t want to be a statistic or a body shown on a film of crimes against humanity. I don’t want to be a survivor. I barely survive my own mind. I’m not strong. I’m not brave.

I am afraid. Signing off.